Rethinking….Faulty wiring of values in the leadership you trust.

So I’ve held this post in draft for roughly 2 weeks and kept editing until I didn’t think I sounded so tainted, but it’s a lesson I’ve learned and a valuable one. I choose to post because I want to not be cynical and negative towards the good and valued leaders in this world, although I find them rare. Know your own worth, make yourself happy and choose who to believe in, otherwise, my mere opinion is that you’ll be miserable….

Original post……

I didn’t want to use this blog to complain or fuss about the comings and going’s of hospital leadership. Have to let it out to allow myself or others to heal from the gross misconduct and falsely placed values of those who called themselves our mentors and advisors. Advisors include all those set in place within an organization with higher power one may encounter when in need would call upon for help or assistance, but then you’re left out in the cold to fend for yourself.

Backdoor talking and covering tails is what appears to be occurring. Like getting their ducks in a row to wage war against the mere employees they are sworn to protect and have their back. Isn’t that one of the core values of most healthcare facilities is to have your coworkers back and to not let them fail? I thought so as a leader, I would stand behind every employee I had the pleasure of leading, working beside and for. The understanding that your staff is what makes you look good because they are the engine of the machine you run. If you don’t have common trust and respect between the leader and who they are petitioned to lead, it will never run properly.

I once believed I was gathering my arsenal to be a great front line leader from someone who was respected and trusted. Shining thru, were the true colors of the type of leader I never wanted to believe others had talked about. I would actually take offense and try to educate those crucifying this individual. They would tell me it’s a pattern, that if you don’t serve a purpose to them any longer, a way will be found to push you out. These were the ones who had stayed meek and weathered the past wrath and storms. I stated “that will not happen to me!” I thought I was invincible and swore to those that I was now there to protect them and bridge the gap of distrust. I was wrong.

Shame starts to creep in that I was even a part of that type of leadership! I have never in my career applied for a leadership role, I was placed in them. People tell me that alone speaks volumes. I could not believe the conversations, accusations and stipulations being put on a person that was there only to serve the purpose of doing their best and with so much transparency! Maybe that was my downfall, I was just too much an open book. I learned along the way and thought I did a pretty good job or so my record showed and my staff would boasts.

I know this post doesn’t sound very content but has calmed the little storm in my brain. You see even as I am gone from that place I still feel the extended arms of the upper leadership and administration reaching out to still find ways to push me down. Not wanting to tarnish the peace and contentment I’ve felt since stepping down from leadership, asked God to give me peace. He told me it is the heart and character of my child, who has entrusted in my name their well being and I shall have my vengeance.

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. Romans 12:19

“Be merciful to me, my God, for my enemies are in hot pursuit; all day long they press their attack.” My adversaries pursue me all day long; in their pride many are attacking me” “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you” Psalms 56:1-3


New beginnings

Well folks I start a new journey tomorrow by going back to the patient bedside after leaving management! I’m truly very excited, but now just hours away, nervous! Twelve year nurse with just enough experience from enough facets of mainstream nursing to make me confident enough to pull this off….now off to get ready for bed where my 43 yr old body thinks it only needs 4-5 hrs of sleep on a good night-ahhhhh! 😍🥰🤓

The Chronic Pain RN with Hope

I read a post this week about the RN and their own physical pains. I found it very comforting and straight to the point. Healthcare staff are ranked pretty high with chronic pain issues but find it within themselves to overlook our own limitations to care for others. If you’ve provided any type of care directly at bedside, it’s likely that something is going to wear down in your body.

Why do we push thru our own inflections to help others with theirs? We chose nursing as a passion and career to assist those who can’t or won’t help themselves. We assess, care, implement healing processes, assist others caring for them, educate and God willing, see them thru to good health. Why don’t we do the same for ourselves? We are supposed to be the strong, reliable and willing participants in the care of others.

Don’t be ashamed! It’s ok to be sick, to hurt and to take what we need to do what we love. Love yourself…it’s not very complicated but we make it that way in our minds. We’re letting down our families, our coworkers and anyone else our imaginations can muster up. If you need one day or ten, take it. Not only is it yours to take but you’ve earned it. As a past nurse leader, when staff member call in, unless it’s habitual, I don’t give it a second thought after readjustment of plan for the day.

You have to be a little selfish, not in most our natures to take time to care for yourself. It can be physically, mentally or emotionally, but you’ll be the better for it.

The search…

Been a nurse for 10 years, have all kind of experience, never been on a true interview because everywhere I’ve worked my work ethic has spoke for itself and have always been offered the next job title. Truly, not tooting my own horn, but think thats how it works in a lot of places because usually when there’s an opening, the person in charge already knows who they want. Do you agree this happens in nursing? I’ve applied for twelve jobs, had two phone interviews and five face to face, wow it’s tiring trying to sell yourself and you just want to scream “ask anyone I’ve worked with, you’ve struck gold!” Well, in your head that’s what you’re saying and want to believe. There are so many different avenues in the nursing career path, how do you decide what you want or feel you can handle and do well?

The one I’m kind of pining for is just the right mix of patient interaction, multidisciplinary involvement, self-management tasks, research or digging as I like to call it and the ability to see the patient and process all the way thru. Seeing a patient encounter all the way from beginning to end is something I’ve always been drawn to. As in perioperative services, I was able to assess and care for patient from start to finish, to see the results or outcome I had a part in. I’ve missed that.

As I continue on my quest to land the right spot for me or the one God has chosen for me, the doubt and fears of any human mind creep in. I pray for God’s strength and humility to have patience as well as pride to know I can do this! I’m allowing my husband to be my confidant, sounding board and partner during this transition and surrounding myself with people who give me strength, courage and love. In the past I thought I was super woman, able to handle and fight anyone or thing in my path on my own, but am accepting it is abundantly easier with help. To ask and seek for help from God, family, coworkers, friends, professionals or whomever you believe in and look to is not a sign of weakness, but of great courage and humility.

“Each one of us has lived through some devastation, some loneliness, some weather superstorm or spiritual superstorm, when we look at each other we must say, I understand. I understand how you feel because I have been there myself. We must support each other and empathize with each other because each of us is more alike than we are unalike.”
― Maya Angelou

The Again and Now Contentment of this RN

Just an RN trying to figure out my place!

I say Again because one, I was; two, thought I was; three because I was trying so hard to be and finally now I have felt it after too much strife. Feeling content and at peace with yourself and the untarnished pride of your profession as a RN is shall they say priceless. No matter what level of nursing you practice, I feel now that if you are truly content in your role, that the multitude of outside factors just won’t interfere with that state of mind. And if they are, listen to your gut, prepare for an exit, a change or just run! Every female and male (in their own way) nurse experience a time in their life, both in their professional and personal life where they travel down that road of what experts call a “mid life crisis!” Yes, I’m only reaching out to the folks in their forties and fifties whether they’ve been a nurse for 20 years or 10, it will happen! So those who are younger, be prepared and those older, help those with the struggle because as I’ve learned, it occurs in the mass population of our best comrades. It happened this past year and I’m coming out the other side and want to say, it does get better. The luster and excitement that accompanies the gratification of this career you’ve chosen can re-emerge! My hope and goal here is that just one person finds this blog of mine and says “she totally gets it” just like all we need in our lifetime of a career is to make a difference in one patients life. This is my first time and I’m healing, so please be kind, encouraging and advise with productive criticism to any and all who choose to join or comment.